Constant Search

I’ve allowed this site to go largely ignored for the better part of two months.  The truth is, I’ve sort of been ignoring anything that was a part of my pre-breakup existence.  Life is, simply put, very hard.  It requires a constant search for one’s greater purpose, for one’s real self.  Unlike my breakups in the past, I’ve decided to treat this one as if it were expected, as if it has reached a natural demise for fulfilling its lifespan.  I’ve tried my best to fill my days with reading, mundane writing activities (never meant to become anything of true literary merit), job searching, job doing (teaching in a short term summer enrichment program), and hanging out with friends and family.  I try to smile and laugh often, forcefully count my blessings, get out of bed when I REALLY don’t want to, and go to the gym when I REALLY would rather do anything else in the entire world.

I’ll be attending the second of three summer concerts tomorrow.  The first was an impromptu opportunity to see Radiohead back in June.  Tomorrow’s concert is an outdoor Mumford & Sons show in Hoboken to celebrate my best friend Katie’s birthday.  The third is a Bon Iver show at Radio City Music Hall in September, for which I have an extra ticket and will be carefully selecting my company for the evening.  I have a brand new nephew, good health, a place to live, food to eat, a solid education and work experience, and I am ready to grow my blessings into something bigger once again.

I hope the aforementioned sounds pleasant, because it mostly has been.  But, truthfully, it has been some of the hardest work of my life to try to live normally and happily in these past two months.  I miss being one half of a whole.  I miss having full time employment with health insurance and a generous salary.  I miss the independence of living in my own apartment, and the feeling of adult fulfillment that came with paying all of my bills on time.  I don’t know when I will have any of those things again, and that uncertainty is what sometimes keeps me up at night.  Also, I’ve now been passed over for three positions with a great company that I’d really like to work for.  I asked them if they thought that I might be applying for the wrong positions and they told me that I am well-suited for those positions, but it just so happens that there were others who were better suited for the jobs.  I was encouraged by the company to keep trying for any openings that become available.  It feels a lot like trying to find the right man to marry.

Anyway, this is all to say that some days are bad, but most are filled with good moments.  I don’t intend to recede into any major depression any time soon, but life is challenging even on the best days.  And on the worst days, I simply try to thank God for every next breath that enters my lungs.  For now, it has to be enough.