The Poetry Warehouse

I’ve allowed this site to go largely ignored for the better part of two months.  The truth is, I’ve sort of been ignoring anything that was a part of my pre-breakup existence.  Life is, simply put, very hard.  It requires a constant search for one’s greater purpose, for one’s real self.  Unlike my breakups in the past, I’ve decided to treat this one as if it were expected, as if it has reached a natural demise for fulfilling its lifespan.  I’ve tried my best to fill my days with reading, mundane writing activities (never meant to become anything of true literary merit), job searching, job doing (teaching in a short term summer enrichment program), and hanging out with friends and family.  I try to smile and laugh often, forcefully count my blessings, get out of bed when I REALLY don’t want to, and go to the gym when I REALLY would rather do anything else in the entire world.

I’ll be attending the second of three summer concerts tomorrow.  The first was an impromptu opportunity to see Radiohead back in June.  Tomorrow’s concert is an outdoor Mumford & Sons show in Hoboken to celebrate my best friend Katie’s birthday.  The third is a Bon Iver show at Radio City Music Hall in September, for which I have an extra ticket and will be carefully selecting my company for the evening.  I have a brand new nephew, good health, a place to live, food to eat, a solid education and work experience, and I am ready to grow my blessings into something bigger once again.

I hope the aforementioned sounds pleasant, because it mostly has been.  But, truthfully, it has been some of the hardest work of my life to try to live normally and happily in these past two months.  I miss being one half of a whole.  I miss having full time employment with health insurance and a generous salary.  I miss the independence of living in my own apartment, and the feeling of adult fulfillment that came with paying all of my bills on time.  I don’t know when I will have any of those things again, and that uncertainty is what sometimes keeps me up at night.  Also, I’ve now been passed over for three positions with a great company that I’d really like to work for.  I asked them if they thought that I might be applying for the wrong positions and they told me that I am well-suited for those positions, but it just so happens that there were others who were better suited for the jobs.  I was encouraged by the company to keep trying for any openings that become available.  It feels a lot like trying to find the right man to marry.

Anyway, this is all to say that some days are bad, but most are filled with good moments.  I don’t intend to recede into any major depression any time soon, but life is challenging even on the best days.  And on the worst days, I simply try to thank God for every next breath that enters my lungs.  For now, it has to be enough.

Today is a very sad day in the literary world.  Today, we lost the illustrious Ray Bradbury, author of one of my favorite novels (a work in my personal canon), Fahrenheit 451.  If you haven’t already read it, do yourself a solid and pick up a copy of this text, which serves as a warning of the devastation we would all experience in a world with no books.  I shudder to think of the possibility.  And if you find yourself enjoying an adult beverage this evening, raise your glass (or bottle) to drink a toast to the peaceful rest of a brilliant writer and visionary.

Rest in peace, Ray Bradbury.  Your presence in this world will be sorely missed.

I’d never hopped off of it, really.  I just wasn’t posting any of my thoughts here for awhile.  This past month has been tough.  It’s been a time of renewal and reawakening, both painful and invigorating.  My relationship of nearly three years came to an end almost a month ago now, and I have moved back to my original home, Brooklyn, NY.  I’ve left Atlanta behind, along with the majority of my earthly belongings for the time being.

As a result of this period of great change in my life, I have felt like retreating to that inner space that involves spending a lot of time with my thoughts and personal desires, and by default, not much time with the outside world.  Having sufficiently indulged myself in this period of intense solitude, I am beginning to feel like it is time to make my return to the world of people other than myself.  This,  I believe, is a mark of major emotional progress for an introvert like me.

Despite the fact that I haven’t posted here since May 12th, nor have I written any poetry since a bit before then, I have been maintaining my other writing goals effectively.  I am up-to-date in both of my daily journals.  I have also finished reading The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest (and mourning the end of that fantastic series!), and It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken (hilarity peppered with great advice).  I’ve also stocked up on the next three books I will be reading – up next, Take the Cannoli by Sarah Vowell, at the recommendation of a dear friend.

In addition to my copious reading and writing efforts, I’ve joined the local gym and have worked out three of the past four days.  It’s one of the many things that I’ve talked a lot about and haven’t done a thing to back up my words with action, until now.  I am serious about seizing this opportunity to begin again and rebuild my life with integrity and vitality.

The next item on my ever-burgeoning to-do list is to reshape my career path, an ongoing project in my life for the past six years.  I am thinking very seriously about pursuing my love of curriculum writing, since it incorporates both my passion for writing and my extensive knowledge of English education.  I’m even considering the possibility of returning to school to study curriculum and instruction, rather than going through another round of the MFA draft.  The idea has been sitting well with me for the past few weeks.

All in all, this period of change has felt more exciting for its potential to lead me somewhere new and lovely than it has felt scary.  Not to say that there isn’t some level of fear involved in this transition on a daily basis, because there is.  It’s just that the smack of thrill has recently been more powerful than the fear of uncertainty, and for that I am deeply grateful.

I have reached another juncture in my life at which I must make some important decisions about my immediate future.  As such, it has obviously (as evidenced by 2 missed posts in one week) been difficult for me to adhere to my Project 365 goal.  I am very disappointed in myself for not sticking to one of my writing goals, but at the same time, I am having a lot of trouble focusing solely on my writing at the moment.

I find myself having to force ideas in order to develop a daily blog entry.  I don’t feel like I am contributing anything new or worthy about poetry or writing lately.  So while I devote my mental energy to working through the aforementioned decisions, I think it might actually be wise for me to put Project 365 on hold until further notice.  This doesn’t mean that I will abandon my blog, or my writing goals, completely.  This just means that I will only be posting here as the spirit moves me.  If I don’t have anything that I merit as valuable to write about, then I won’t be posting anything that day.

I hope my regular readers will understand my need to focus inwardly, at least for the time being.